I yelled at my husband yesterday. I almost never do that. In the almost 10 years that we've known each other, I can count on one hand how many times either of us have ever raised our voices in anger. I actually have a hard time remembering any of those occurrences, when or why, because they've been so rare. Not that we don't argue. We do. But we don't shout.
There were legitimate reasons for my anger yesterday. But the shouting... I shocked myself. The baby cried. That's not me.
I am at a loss. I expected some re-entry shock, but not this degree of frustration and loneliness. Ray's experience coming into the US is very different than mine. I'm coming home (supposedly). He's coming in to a new place. We are worlds apart. I don't know anyone here who can quite relate.
I heard once, if not many times, that shit makes the most beautiful growth.
With no one to talk to, I decided to google 're-entry shock'. I didn't find anything I didn't already know. This isn't the first time I've come back home after a period overseas. I knew it would be hard. But those other experiences of this reverse culture shock were during my college years and I had only been gone for several months. Not years. And I wasn't returning with a family of my own who also needed to adjust.
I'm sick of the advice. I'm tired of being told what to expect and how to think in order to soften the impact of re-entry. Understanding why I feel so disoriented and alone does nothing to lessen those feelings.
There is one word that does seem to bring me some peace of mind...Patience.
I am starting a garden in my parents' backyard.
The single most important thing necessary for a garden is patience. Right now it's nothing but a mess. Every evening I dump food scraps in it, remains, garbage, and I break it up with a hoe, mix it into the earth. I heard once, if not many times, that shit makes the most beautiful growth. I sure hope that's true. I go with my instincts. When I feel the time is right and the ground is ready, I'll plant what is appropriate for the season. I'll sow companion plants that will help each other grow.
Shit and time. Remains and patience. I have plenty. Though it looks like nothing but dirt and scraps now, it is my reminder that something will eventually grow.